fifty fifty

FIFTY FIFTY

Abandon love all ye who enter here
Bring forth the feast and all the trappings
Sentimental semblance of the equitable
Lost the improving knife, but then shit happens
And the whistlers overcome the plunging ravines
With Extend-A-Life's crash course in hollerin'
Give praise to the logic free astrologer
To be continued, so put another dollar in
The unique spawns the ugliest of fashions
Bathed in pride sipping Zambese Rousers
The salt of the earth is looking ashen
He's got a ferret down his trousers
Well, that's the fetish of the market
They cast a rat as The Sourcerer's Apprentice
Quit dreaming and sort out your CV
Or get employed as a dog's dentist

"We gotta Bollywood special for Ramadan,
But first the Lifestyle Show with our
79 year old celibate man,
Sex tips, this week he looks at staying power"
New porn for old in Merrie England
Roger The Lodger hotfoots it to the fourth verse
His tears for real but his laughter canned
Like a politician he shafts the wet nurse
And doomongering's future is guaranteed
Good grief, all hail the new born baby boy
And cellulite dictates that we will never need
New novels from Harper Lee or Arundhati Roy
The latest news transmitted on Pay Per View
God knows the blessing of punctuality
So smile and the whole world smiles with you
On my mother's life, I'm a sucker for reality
And 'The Fifty Greatest Personation Stars'
Inspired the latest college paper
A world tour of apologies and faux pas
The community cohesion caper
Progress is a land route through Kashmir
A happy harem and courses in graffiti
Economic decline refashioned by a queer
The president elect eats sushi in Tblisi

With a degree in some vague ology
The fresh air industry was calling
Armed with an inability to blush
And an enthusiasm for crawling
Puffed up, cock out, he chose the media
He loved it's lack of grace and overcropping
For the emperor's new clothes he would pay his way
Teaching japs 'English For Shopping'
Via local news and advertising
Courted arseholes and drank with cretins
Was seen out with celeb chefs and glamour models
Went to bars that only dicks could get in
And all the while the swollen etiquette
Of critical blindness he was digesting
Like the catholic church is anti abortion
'Cos their priests need children for molesting

At the nineteenth hole of Kabul Golf Club
The press boys were planning their next jolly
When, from verse two, appeared a snide Beelzebub
Like the Garden Claw of melancholy
Japed, "Men, your committee is understaffed,
Y'know, banjo...donkey's arse...piss up...brewery.
And as for that 'no pain no gain'", he laughed,
"You must be having a tandoori"
Then he vapourised, leaving his will unsigned
His nonsense had soured their sense of humour
But heck there is always a mortgage to find
Making news of unsubstantiated rumour
And God loves the crow as much as the nightingale
Too much to think can make you queasy
'Cos indignation is not a session ale
"The choice is wide but cook mine over easy"
Well, as you know, some turn up their sleeves to work
And others just turn up their noses
The barmaid's apron will send some beserk
So be a darling and tend to the roses
'Cos heaven, heaven is a pansy nap
You can't beat a Bovril and a crossword
Get a life, a pox upon your gangsta rap
A sheep's fart is better than a cow's turd

Full of endangered fish and indigestion
Pie eyed he wonders from the Green Room
"Could my right honourable friend answer the question,
Can robots save the British mushroom?"